Mary Queen of Scots and the right Honourable prick Henry Stuart (Lord Darnley)
When Mary Queen of Scots was 18 years old, she became a widow for the first time. Her husband, who was the King of France, had only gone and died so Mary found herself back in Scotland as Queen where she belonged, (or not as the case may be – she had been away far too long for the public to give a shit about her). Mary being a widow presented a new opportunity for marriage: she was young, royal and more importantly fertile. It was time for hubby number two.
The whole prospect of marriage raised a few issues though (cos when would it be interesting if it didn’t): Mary was heir to the English throne as well as ruler of Scotland, her husband had to be chosen carefully. Because her cousin Elizabeth 1st had refused to marry and chuck out some kids, Mary was next in line. This pissed Liz off a little so she took it upon herself to sort out Mary a match and in return for marrying Liz’s choice of suitor, Mary would def’s inherit the English crown.
Liz chose Henry Stuart, the Lord Darnley to marry Mary. He was a royal himself, in line to the English throne and Mary’s 1st cousin (which makes me want to chunder but was ‘normal’ back in the day). He was also a massive prick. Somehow his charm won through and Mary fell head over heels for him, as most teenage girls do when they meet someone who’s not only good looking but also minted and says the right thing. Usually this is a pretty good indicator that the boy in question is actually a giant fuck head and should be swerved at all cost. Darnley was no exception to this.
Anyway, Mary fancied the shit out of him and the couple married on July 29th1565, (only after she had nursed him to health after a casual bout of secondary syphilis that he had caught in England prior to arriving in Scotland for his marriage). Darnley dressed himself in all the jewels he could find like a fucking idiot and Mary wore her mourning gown for the last time, (which I’m sure did everything to lighten the atmosphere of the service). Darnley was such a gobshite that he even refused to attend the nuptial mass (he was protestant and Mary catholic. Yes it came down to that shit again).
A few months down the line, Mary began to realise what a dick she had married. Darnely barely ever saw her, drank like he had an endless supply of livers and had gold membership and a loyalty card at the local brothels. What a bell end this man was. Not only that but he incessantly pressed her to make him King, putting himself above her as the sovereign in an act called ‘crown matrimony, which was a fucking joke because when they had first married Mary had given him a say at parliament and he never showed up. Mary even had a stamp made out in his signature so shit could actually get done. She wasn’t having any of his crap any more and started to despise the prick, but by this time it was a bit too late.
Mary turned to her close friend and private secretary, David Rizzio for support. By now Darnley was a violent, incompetent piss head, and Mary needed advice on how best to handle it. Having said this, Rizzio was by no means an angel. He was a short arse who has been documented to have been shagging Darnley himself at some point prior to all of this. But anyway, that aside, Mary and Rizzio’s friendship didn’t sit well with Darnley, and he grew jealous and enraged. He saw it as an opportunity to try again to seize power of the throne. What this fucker did next was unreal (even for a bloke like him).
Mary had pissed off some of the protestant nobles by taking away their lands because they had been utter knobs. The nobles weren’t happy so approached Darnley. They suggested that if he were to kill Rizzio and put it about that the queen was shagging him, they would grant him ‘crown Matrimony’ in parliament, and he would take full control of the Scottish throne in exchange for returning the noblemen’s lands and benefits. Of course he agreed.
On the night of May 7th, 1566, Mary was sat having tea in her quarters with Rizzio and some pals when in bursts Darnley and his pals and stab the shit out of Rizzio. Rizzio apparently hid behind the queens skirts but nothing could protect him and he was stabbed over 50 times until he died in front of the 7 month pregnant queen. How Mary did not miscarry was a miracle. She could do nothing to save her best friend and hated her husband with a passion. Who wouldn’t? he was a right cunt.
Mary fled to Edinburgh where her army were awaiting. There she had protection and power and sentenced all of the murderous protty noblemen. The plan had failed, but there was still a problem. If Mary named Darnley as a perpetrator to the crime, it would put into question the legitimacy of her unborn baby and the throne would be up for grabs. She just carried on bless her, (I would’ve drowned the bastard but that’s just me).
On June 19th 1566, Mary gave birth to her son and heir James Stuart (soon after his birth this little dude inherited the throne because his mum fucked up and married another dick head but that’s another story… The link to which is at the bottom of the page). Mary reconciled with Darnley but the marriage was bitter and cold. Not surprisingly she pure fucking hated him but couldn’t divorce him because a) she was catholic and b) it would make her child a bastard and he would loose his entitlement to the throne. They barley saw each other. Darnley couldn’t even attend his owns sons christening because he was at home with anther bout of cock rot. At the christening Elizabeth was proclaimed Prince James’s Godmother, later he would inherit her throne too.
Now at this point you may be thinking that things were looking a bit shitty for Mary, and you would be right. She was stuck in a marriage with a murderous, wife beating alcoholic adulterer, and her future looking really grim. But fret not, because Darnley was about to get his just desserts.
Early in 1567 Darnley got the pox (wait…that’s not even the best bit), so was sent to live at Kirk O’Field just outside Edinburgh. Mary had the estate kitted out so he would be comfortable but didn’t want him near the young prince so off he went to live away. To be fair, the pair were all but estranged at this point anyway and I’m going to go out on a limb and say Mary would have been possibly relived he was out of the way because he was one giant fucktard. Mary did however visit him frequently (probably to cheer herself up at how ill and disfigured the pox had made him. The chump).
Here’s the good bit. On the night of 9th February 1567, Mary left Darnley early in order to ‘attend a wedding’. During the early hours of the morning there was an almighty explosion and the whole of Darnley’s Kirk O’Fields estate went up in one giant fireball. Upon closer inspection it was obvious that it was arson and caused by a shit tonne of gunpowder. Darnley’s body was found and the fucker was at last out of Mary’s hair once and for all (though as Iv just typed that I remembered that Mary wore a wig, but you know what I mean). The curious thing about all of this though was that his body was recovered in the garden with not a burn or scorch mark on it. Darnley had been suffocated and dumped before the explosion.
A Tudor time CSI style map, giving an ‘accurate’ account of where the bodies of Darnley and his servant were found in the garden. Quite why they are stark bollock naked with their arses out, and bigger than what appear to be pine trees is as much of a mystery as the incident itself.
Now I know what your probably thinking, that it was Mary, BUT there were several suspects. Yes Mary could’ve done it because it was her only chance to move on but it was equally likely to be one of the other noblemen that Darnley had annoyed, a pal of Rizzio’s or even Darnley himself in a failed plan to blow up Mary. One thing was sure: he was dead and Mary’s horrific car crash marriage had come to an end. The arsonist was never caught.
Now the really shitty thing is that this was only the end to one chapter of Marys life. The next chapter began almost instantly after these events, (again follow the link at the bottom of the page to find out more), when mary found herself in the company of one Earl of Bothwell, another known prick and also a suspect in Darnleys murder. She lost favour of her public and was forced to flee, never seeing her son James again. James inherited the throne of Scotland aged 13 months old. Mary Queen of Scots really did have one of the saddest lives that I’ve ever read about, (and the wankest choice in men), still Happy anniversary Mary and Henry Stuart.