January 1st, 1515: the death of Louis XII and a lucky escape for Mary.


Louis XII


New Year’s Day in 1515, King Louis XII of France died, much to the elation of Mary Tudor (Henry VIII’s sister). Henry had sent his little sister to marry the fat old king, obviously she was less than impressed about this, and asked that once he died she would be free to choose her next match. Anyway, upon Louis death Henry sent Charles Brandon (his best pal), to bring Mary home but the pair snook off and tied the knot. You can read about it here:

Louis himself had an interesting life. He had been forced to marry a woman called Joan of France by King Louis XI. Louis had no interest in Joan, their marriage was purely political.


poor Joan of France

He became king purely by accident. His cousin, King Charles VIII (who had inherited the throne upon his dad, Louis XI’s, death), died after twatting his head on a doorframe like a bell end.  As Charles had no immediate heirs, Louis inherited the throne. The first thing he did was annul his marriage to Joan. He claimed it was because Joan was so deformed that he couldn’t shag her,  (Joan had a curvature of the spine and was probably mortified at her husband spreading shit about her around court and using it to mask his own inadequacy. Besides which, Louis constantly bragged about ‘mounting’ his wife several times in the night).  Joan left and became a nun (probably traumatised by the rejection and humiliation), and Louis married Charles’ widow, Anne of Brittany…as you do.

The very beautiful (and very reluctant) Anne of Brittany

Louis and Anne’s marriage produced 4 stillborn boys and 2 daughters. After Anne’s death in January 1514. By October 1514, he had married Mary Tudor in a last ditch attempt to produce a male heir. It didn’t work though because legend has it that Louis went to town shagging his new beautiful young bride, so much so that all the excitement killed him. Their marriage lasted 3 months. What an amazing start to the new year for Mary. She was forced to stay in France for a few months after Louis death incase she was carrying the future King of France. She wasn’t and the crown passed to Louis’ cousin and son-in-law King Francis I, (who later went in the wrestle the shit out of Henry VIII and totally hand his arse to him).


Mary Tudor: shagged a man to death


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