Thomas Cranmer: Lover, bishop, martyr, badass.

May 28, 2015July 5, 2015Leave a comment

2^nd July 1489 – Thomas Cranmer is born

Ive always thought of Thomas Cranmer as a bit of an obscure Tudor, in that he did a lot to shape the country during Henry VIII’s reign and yet never seems to take much of a centre stage despite his importance. He was born in 1489 under the reign of Henry’s dad, Henry VII (they liked the name Henry back then), and rose to fame as the archbishop of Canterbury before being executed by Henry’s daughter Mary at the ripe old age of 67 for the crime of heresy, (I always think it hardly seemed worth executing anybody above 50 in Tudor times as being left to the ravages of old age was probably a far shittier punishment).

Thomas was born to parents of minor gentry and sent off to University in Cambridge to become a priest. However before qualifying, he fell in love and married his first wife Joan so the University kicked him out, (the Catholics didn’t like married priests, but priests were allowed to take a mistress….I don’t get it either). Anyway within the year Joan died during childbirth and the University, being the understanding bunch that they were, reinstated Cranmers fellowship allowing him to qualify as a priest and eventually a ‘Doctor of Divinity’, which has to be up there amongst the best titles ever. Eventually Cardinal Woolsey (the Popes right hand man in England), came sniffing about for bright young Cambridge scholars to work in Spain as ambassadors to the Pope and Cranmers name cropped up, so off he went.

Meanwhile, Back in England in the 1520’s, Henry VIII was growing fed up with his first wife Katherine. She had not only failed to produce an heir (how selfish), but she had also produced a long list of miscarriages and still born babies. The king was now shitting himself that he would have no heir so turned his attentions to the idea of a new wife to chuck out some boys. In order to do this he needed an annulment (to get around the problem of divorce shitting on the face of the Pope). In order to get an annulment Henry needed a good lawyer,( just like every corrupt noble), and he figured it might be a good move to find somebody from the clergy willing to justify Henry’s actions to the Pope. Henry chose Thomas Cromwell as his lawyer, and in 1527 he interviewed Thomas Cranmer and decided he was exactly the man he needed to get him out of his 24 year marriage. The men became good pals and decided between them that Henrys marriage contradicted a passage in the bible which stated that you must not marry your brother’s wife. They added evidence to this claim stating that the marriage was cursed and the failure to produce a male heir was proof (they neglected to mention henry’s syphilis). This did not stick in the slightest and they were told by the Pope that it was basically tough shit. He chose to marry Katherine and to abandon her would be an act of heresy and result in excommunication.

In 1532 Thomas found himself in Rome as the ambassador to the Holy Roman Emperor Charles V, Katharine’s nephew. He was not happy about the annulment either. Anyway, whilst following Charles around Europe, Thomas met his second wife Margarete. He loved her so much that he decided to sack off celibacy (its shit anyway) and his vows to the church and marry her anyway. Shortly after this he got a letter from henry VIII ordering him to return to England to become the Arch Bishop of Canterbury. This was a bit of a fucker for Thomas so he decided that he would hide his wife in exile.

Back in England Henry was still trying desperately to get his annulment from his wife (it went on for 6 years). In 1532 he dropped a massive bollock by getting Anne Boleyn knocked up, (he had promised to marry her in order to bed her, so now the need for divorce was greater than ever). In January 1533 Henry secretly married Anne (and did not tell Cranmer till 2 weeks after, possibly so as not to piss him off whilst working on the annulment bullshit and also so he didn’t get into a hot mess for being a fat arsed bigamist). Anyway all was good when Cranmer came through for Henry in May of the same year, declaring his marriage void.

As you can imagine this did not fly with the pope, so henry went to Cranmer again for help. The two decided they would sack off Catholicism and invent a new religion where Henry could be boss and Cranmer could re-write Holy passages which basically allowed Henry to do what he wants and be thought of as equal to the Pope (in that he was the head of the church of England as the pope was the head of the Roman catholic church).

Cranmer remained faithful to Henry and a load of other less interesting stuff happened: Henry executed Anne after just 3 years of marriage, got remarried to a bird called Jane who gave him his heir and died in the process. He also married Anne of Cleeves and decided he didn’t like her so Cranmer helped the king ditch her only to go forward to marry a girl of 19, (when he was 49 like a dirty old bastard), called Katherine Howard. Katherine was his ‘rose without thorns’…his words, and he was besotted with her, giving her wealth beyond her wildest dreams and bragging about all the sex they had been having (imagine the poor girl having that fat oink writing on you with his old body and stinking, ulcerated leg. Not exactly a turn on).

Being a girl of 19 in a court full of hot young lads, It didn’t take long for Katherine’s eyes to wander and they fell upon the youthful face of Thomas Culpepper (member of the Kings privy council). They began an affair and it also came out that she had shagged a couple of dudes before she had met the king and not quite been the virgin he had taken her to be. Nobody wanted to tell the king of his new wife infidelities so the job was handed to Cranmer. Cranmer, being the brave, fearless man he was, slipped a note informing the king of all Katherine’s shenanigans under his chair at mass. The king upon finding this note was most pissed off and decided to send wife number 5 to the block at the tender age of 19.

The execution of poor Katherine Howard

When Henry VIII died in 1547, Cranmer was all about Protestantism. He gave so few fucks about what the Catholics thought that he almost seeming only purpose went out of his way to piss them off. Under the Reign of the boy king Edward VI, who was also a big fan of Protestantism, (after all it had assisted his dad in binning off 2 wives prior to knobbing his Ma and spawning the sickly lad), Thomas Cranmer was allowed to run wild. He was given free reign to the changed he though necessary to the church in order to make it a bit less catholic and also write two books of prayer.

When Ed died Thomas supported his successor, the protestant ‘nine day queen’ Lady Jane Grey. The thought of Lady Jane inheriting the throne pissed loads of people off. Edwards sisters, (Princess’ Mary and Elizabeth), had both been declared bastards by Henry and moreover, if Mary (who’s turn it was next) inherited the throne she would try and make the country Catholic again…she was having none of Edward Protestant bullshit. Likewise, Edward wasn’t about to risk the Catholics coming back and the Pope laying some smackdown on his country or losing the gold looted from the monasteries some years earlier by his Dad, so he did the sensible thing and named their cousin Jane as the next sovereign.

Long story short, Mary went fucking mental, rallied an army, marched on London like a banshee, told Jane she would be spared if she converted to Catholicism, Jane told her to cock off so was totally executed. This meant Mary inherited the throne of England and Cranmer swiftly ran out of allies.

And so to poor Thomas’ end. Mary was a psycho bitch. She fucking HATED Protestants and loved nothing more than torturing, hanging and setting fire to them. Thomas Cranmer being the King of the Protty’s now found himself in deep shit. Mary had Cranmer arrested and put on trial for the crime of heresy, he was told that if he recanted all would be OK, so he did. He basically told the court that Protestantism was crap and Catholicism was amazing, but they did not believe him, (can’t think why), so Cranmer was sentenced to death.

Upon his death took back his recantation, stating that the Pope was the antichrist and that he had cleared his conscience before his death, basically stating that because he had nothing to loose he was going to let the world know his thoughts about the catholic reign. He was then tied to the woodpile with chains and set alight. Thomas then did something totally fucking awesome and shoved his first recantation (the one which said he now likes Catholics), into the fire first, held it there whilst the paper burnt (and his hand with it), and said ‘this unworthy right hand’, before being consumed by the flames.

After surviving Henry VII, HenryVIII, Edward VI and Lady Jane Grey, Thomas was executed by the hand of Mary I at the ripe old age of 67.

Thomas Cranmer…religious badboy.

27th May 1541- The Bloody Death of Margaret Pole

May 28, 2015May 27, 2016Leave a comment

On 27th May, in 1541 Margaret Pole, niece of Richard III and Edward IV, was executed at the command of Henry VIII. You may not of heard of Margaret Pole so I will fill you in because her death was quite brutal and makes an interesting read, (if you like the darker side of the Tudors).

Here is where it gets complicated. Margaret was daughter of the Duke of Clarence which made her niece to Richard III and Edward IV. She was a Plantagenet by birth, (so instantly posed threat to the Tudor throne), and cousin to Elizabeth of York (Henry VIII’s Mum). confusing isn’t it?!

Anyway, being a Plantagenet meant that Margaret obviously had the power to stir up a massive shit storm for he Tudors, so when Henry VII came to power he married her off to his cousin, Richard pole. They had 5 kids together but when Rich died he left her nothing, literally fuck all so Margaret turned to court for help.

Henry VII paid for his funeral and put Margaret back onto the Market. By now her kids were growing and one of her sons, Reginald, was sent to the church as thanks (he later became the archbishop of Canterbury no less…boy done good).

All was sweet for a while, she remarried and became stupid rich (inheriting the title Countess of Salisbury and owning lands in her own right). When Henry VII died and his lad Henry VIII inherited the throne, Margaret pole was in favour, she was Catherine of Aragon’s best pal, godmother to the princess Mary (later known as Bloody Mary when she went on her killing spree), and had never posed a threat as a Plantagenet.

But! Like all good things in the Tudor world, it came to an end. During Henry’s proposed divorce to Catherine of Aragon, Margaret son Reginald (the church baby who grew up), started flapping his trap about the King. He wrote pamphlets suggesting Henry was somewhat of a bellend for crossing the church and denounced his policies as king. I’m sure you have heard of Henry VIII and what a massive git he was, so I’m also sure you can imagine how utterly unimpressed he was with the whole thing.

Anyway, Reginald Pole then fuked off to France and remained under protection of the pope , (who shared the opinion that Henry was somewhat of a knob for throwing the word ‘divorce’ around as head of a catholic country). So Henry, not being able to touch Reggie, obviously Henry went after his family, which included the frail old Margaret Pole.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, Margaret was arrested and taken to the tower and charged with treason in 1539. Being a strong woman in the last of the Plantagenet line, I think Henry would’ve jumped at the opportunity of binning her off, so he waited and waited keeping her and some of her family, under lock and key in the tower. Two and a half years later in 1541, Margaret was taken to the block. She was a decrepit 67 year old, but being of noble birth was granted a ‘private execution’ (just the 150 or so gawpers as opposed to all of London).

She protested her innocence and refused to kneel at the block so was forced down. As the executioner struck his blow she struggled and he missed and hacked at her shoulders. Its then said that she made a break for it and it took 10 swings of the axe to kill her. Her son, Reginald didn’t really care for his mother, she did abandon him with the church after all (obviously not realising that it would bite her on the arse in later life). He returned to England when the Catholic Mary Tudor stormed onto the throne an became Archbishop of Canterbury. So good for him eh?!

After she died a poem was found carved into the walls of the tower:

For traitors on the block should die;

I am no traitor, no, not I!

My faithfulness stands fast and so,

Towards the block I shall not go!

Nor make one step, as you shall see;

Christ in Thy mercy, save Thou me!

if you look closely on this protrait if Margaret, you will see a little barrel pendant on her wrist. she wore this as a nod to her Dad, George of Clarence, who was executed for treason by his brother Edward IV, by being drown in a barrel of malmsey wine…his choice of execution method. he was a bit of a nobber so dont feel too bad, i just think the barrel is a nice touch!

Poor old Margaret Pole.

19th May 1536- Anne Boleyn looses her head

May 19, 2015May 19, 2016Leave a comment

19th May 1536: Henry VIII’s second wife, Anne Boleyn lost her head (as in had it hacked off with a sword at the command if her ‘loving’ husband as opposed misplaced it). After turning the political and religious beliefs of the whole country upside down in order to marry Anne, after a few short years he wanted rid to make room for another, ( being the nice bloke he was).

Anne was initially told she would be executed on the 18th at 9am. She waited and waited and nobody came. She was eager to die, i think because on the whole being alive do Anne was utter shit and heaven awaited her. At he last mass and confession she maintained her innocence. This was evidence enough for most subjects that Anne was innocent, to swear it before death must mean its true or how else would God accept you!? She became anxious that she had not been executed before noon as promised, she also joked that the executioner would have an easy job as she had a little neck. Finally, dressed in black, (the colour of death), and red (the colour of martyrdom- like shoving the rods up at Henry), she headed for the scaffold. The executioner had been summoned from France. Anne had requested to die by a highly skilled french swordsman as opposed to the usual fat arsed English axeman. It’s said that as her head fell her lips continued to move. She paid £20 arms to the poor at the time if her death, (given to her by Henry) and was remembered as ‘the late queen’. This is particularly interesting as Katherine of Aragon and Katherine Howard (the two other crowned queens who met particular shorty ends at the hand of their fat head husband), lost their title and recognition as queen straight away.

Though Anne is not my favourite queen she is one if the most interesting and her death had a large impact on many people. Henry, being the romantic that he was, was betrothed to Jane Seymour the following day and married by the em if the month. What a dick he was

13th May 1515 – How to piss off your brother, the King.

May 13, 2015May 28, 20152 Comments

13th May Tudor history fact of the day: 500 years ago today, in 1515, Mary Tudor (Henry VIII’s sister) married Charles Brandon (Henry’s best pal) in secret, without permission in France.

There is evidence to suggest Mary was on love with Brandon from a young age but the king wouldn’t allow them to marry. Being the dick he was, he wanted to choose her husband in order to buy political power and other such bullshit. Anyway, Henry married her to Louis XII, king of France who was an old gipper. He was more than 30 years older than her, but this suited him as he wanted a young wife so he might produce an heir. He died 3 months after their marriage, (much to Mary’s relief I would think). His cause of death was put down to ‘over exertions in the bedchamber’…poor Mary.

Anyway, after a few months, (the French wanted to make sure Mary wasn’t knocked up), Henry sent Brandon to France to bring her home. He must’ve known something would happen cos he told Brandon not to propose. Well that didn’t fly with Brandon and he married Mary before their return. This was an act of treason, punishable by death. Brandon must’ve carried his balls about in a wheelbarrow. On their return to England, Henry VIII was obviously mega pissed off. He didn’t want to execute his sister and best friend so gave them a heavy fine. Like ridiculous. In the end the couple were married for 37 years, untill Mary’s death in 1515. They had 4 kids, (2 died i infancy),and became grandparents to Lady Jane Grey (the 9 day queen). Happy 500th anniversary

11th May 1509 – Henry VII laid to rest and how he taxed the rich

May 11, 2015May 29, 2015Leave a comment

Tudor fact if the day: 506 years ago today, in 1509, Henry V11 was laid to rest with his wife Elizabeth of York. There is loads that an be said about Henry. He was the first Tudor monarch, rising to power after killing the unholy crap out of Rochard III. He brought peace back to the country (which before had been in a massive shit storm), and was dad to the infamous Henry VIII. Anyway, because of the current political state of the country, I thought it would be interesting to tell you about this move that Henry pulled in order to restore financial balance to a country in debt. Henry had no experience of court life or ruling. He spent most of his life in exile and had little political know how, yet was pure amazing at managing finance. Along side the Archbishop of Canterbury, John Morton, they developed one of the most effective taxation systems to date (in terms of the debt repaid, money banked for the country and length of economic stability). Henry and Morton recovered debt by heavily taxing the wealthy with a catch 22 rule (this is where we get the term ‘Mortons Fork’, for when 2 contradictory scenarios end in the same result). Henry’s tax law went like this: if you are from a wealthy family and do not spend money, then you obviously have a shit load of savings, so will face large taxation to aid the realm. If however you are from a wealthy family and spend lots of money then you are obviously filthy rich and will face large taxation to aid the realm. If you were poor you would pay significantly less tax. This law also helped Henry keep nobles in check and created much needed economic prosperity for the first time in a long time. Obviously not a Tory then eh?!

Henry’s tomb with his wife Elizabeth of York in Westminster Abbey, (he was so cool he has his own chapel in there)

3rd May 1536 – The Arrest of Anne Boleyn

May 3, 2015May 29, 2015Leave a comment

Tudor fact if the day: 479 years ago today, in 1536 the queen Anne Boleyn was arrested and taken to the tower with the charge if treason. Henry VIII had grown bored of Anne and wanted rid so he could knob the young courtier Jane Seymore. The problem was that he didn’t want to divorce Anne, (given the massive shit storm he caused a few years earlier when he divorced his first wife Katherine so that he could bed Anne, divorce would make him appear to be ‘careless with the holy act of matrimony’ and just a bit shit as King). Also, and probably more importantly politically, a divorce would do mean that Anne would secure a fortune and some very powerful and very sympathetic allies.

This all presented a problem so Henry being the douche bag he was just let his BFF, the lawyer Tom Cromwell sort out his mess. Cromwell’s solution was to compile evidence against the queen that would suggest she was treasonous. Anne was quite vain and flirty so the solution was clear- accuse her of adultery. Anne had been seen flirting with a court musician (called Mark Smeaton) and a dude called Henry Norris. They were arrested and Mark Smeaton was tortured until he confessed that he had been shagging the queen, (To be fair in those days you probably confess anything under torture cos it must’ve made death look like a day at the spa).

Both men were eventually executed along with George Boleyn, Anne’s brother. He was also supposed to have ‘Carnal knowledge’ of his sister (which is obviously a massive pile of horse crap but he was too important and influential to keep alive if the king wanted rid of Anne).

The day after Anne’s execution the king announced his engagement to Jane Seymore. What a prick.

Anne being taken through the ‘Traitors Gate’ to the tower

The Tudorials

History like your teacher never taught you

Month: May 2015