Month: July 2015

29th July 1565 – Mary Queen of Scots marries one giant wanker.

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Mary Queen of Scotts and the right Honourable prick Henry Stuart (Lord Darnley)

Mary Queen of Scots and the right Honourable prick Henry Stuart (Lord Darnley)

When Mary Queen of Scots was 18 years old, she became a widow for the first time. Her husband, who was the King of France, had only gone and died so Mary found herself back in Scotland as Queen where she belonged, (or not as the case may be – she had been away far too long for the public to give a shit about her). Mary being a widow presented a new opportunity for marriage: she was young, royal and more importantly fertile. It was time for hubby number two.
The whole prospect of marriage raised a few issues though (cos when would it be interesting if it didn’t): Mary was heir to the English throne as well as ruler of Scotland, her husband had to be chosen carefully. Because her cousin Elizabeth 1st had refused to marry and chuck out some kids, Mary was next in line. This pissed Liz off a little so she took it upon herself to sort out Mary a match and in return for marrying Liz’s choice of suitor, Mary would def’s inherit the English crown.
Liz chose Henry Stuart, the Lord Darnley to marry Mary. He was a royal himself, in line to the English throne and Mary’s 1st cousin (which makes me want to chunder but was ‘normal’ back in the day). He was also a massive prick. Somehow his charm won through and Mary fell head over heels for him, as most teenage girls do when they meet someone who’s not only good looking but also minted and says the right thing. Usually this is a pretty good indicator that the boy in question is actually a giant fuck head and should be swerved at all cost. Darnley was no exception to this.
Anyway, Mary fancied the shit out of him and the couple married on July 29th1565, (only after she had nursed him to health after a casual  bout of secondary syphilis that he had caught in England prior to arriving in Scotland for his marriage).  Darnley dressed himself in all the jewels he could find like a fucking idiot and Mary wore her mourning gown for the last time, (which I’m sure did everything to lighten the atmosphere of the service). Darnley was such a gobshite that he even refused to attend the nuptial mass (he was protestant and Mary catholic. Yes it came down to that shit again).
A few months down the line, Mary began to realise what a dick she had married. Darnely barely ever saw her, drank like he had an endless supply of livers and had gold membership and a loyalty card at the local brothels. What a bell end this man was. Not only that but he incessantly pressed her to make him King, putting himself above her as the sovereign in an act called ‘crown matrimony, which was a fucking joke because when they had first married Mary had given him a say at parliament and he never showed up. Mary even had a stamp made out in his signature so shit could actually get done. She wasn’t having any of his crap any more and started to despise the prick, but by this time it was a bit too late.
Mary turned to her close friend and private secretary, David Rizzio for support. By now Darnley was a violent, incompetent piss head, and Mary needed advice on how best to handle it. Having said this, Rizzio was by no means an angel. He was a short arse who has been documented to have been shagging Darnley himself at some point prior to all of this. But anyway, that aside, Mary and Rizzio’s friendship didn’t sit well with Darnley, and he grew jealous and enraged.  He saw it as an opportunity to try again to seize power of the throne. What this fucker did next was unreal (even for a bloke like him).
Mary had pissed off some of the protestant nobles by taking away their lands because they had been utter knobs. The nobles weren’t happy so approached Darnley. They suggested that if he were to kill Rizzio and put it about that the queen was shagging him, they would grant him ‘crown Matrimony’ in parliament, and he would take full control of the Scottish throne in exchange for returning the noblemen’s lands and benefits. Of course he agreed.
On the night of May 7th, 1566, Mary was sat having tea in her quarters with Rizzio and some pals when in bursts Darnley and his pals and stab the shit out of Rizzio. Rizzio apparently hid behind the queens skirts but nothing could protect him and he was stabbed over 50 times until he died in front of the 7 month pregnant queen. How Mary did not miscarry was a miracle. She could do nothing to save her best friend and hated her husband with a passion. Who wouldn’t? he was a right cunt.
thumann_friedrich_paul-the_murder_of_david_rizzio-OM472300-10157_20090401_2818_408
Mary fled to Edinburgh where her army were awaiting. There she had protection and power and sentenced all of the murderous protty noblemen. The plan had failed, but there was still a problem. If Mary named Darnley as a perpetrator to the crime, it would put into question the legitimacy of her unborn baby and the throne would be up for grabs. She just carried on bless her, (I would’ve drowned the bastard but that’s just me).
On June 19th 1566, Mary gave birth to her son and heir James Stuart (soon after his birth this little dude inherited the throne because his mum fucked up and married another dick head but that’s another story… The link to which is at the bottom of the page). Mary reconciled with Darnley but the marriage was bitter and cold. Not surprisingly she pure fucking hated him but couldn’t divorce him because a) she was catholic and b) it would make her child a bastard and he would loose his entitlement to the throne. They barley saw each other. Darnley couldn’t even attend his owns sons christening because he was at home with anther bout of cock rot. At the christening Elizabeth was proclaimed Prince James’s Godmother, later he would inherit her throne too.

Now at this point you may be thinking that things were looking a bit shitty for Mary, and you would be right. She was stuck in a marriage with a murderous, wife beating alcoholic adulterer, and her future looking really grim. But fret not, because Darnley was about to get his just desserts.

Early in 1567 Darnley got the pox (wait…that’s not even the best bit), so was sent to live at Kirk O’Field just outside Edinburgh. Mary had the estate kitted out so he would be comfortable but didn’t want him near the young prince so off he went to live away. To be fair, the pair were all but estranged at this point anyway and I’m going to go out on a limb and say Mary would have been possibly relived he was out of the way because he was one giant fucktard. Mary did however visit him frequently (probably to cheer herself up at how ill and disfigured the pox had made him. The chump).

Here’s the good bit. On the night of 9th February 1567, Mary left Darnley early in order to ‘attend a wedding’. During the early hours of the morning there was an almighty explosion and the whole of Darnley’s Kirk O’Fields estate went up in one giant fireball. Upon closer inspection it was obvious that it was arson and caused by a shit tonne of gunpowder. Darnley’s body was found and the fucker was at last out of Mary’s hair once and for all (though as Iv just typed that I remembered that Mary wore a wig, but you know what I mean). The curious thing about all of this though was that his body was recovered in the garden with not a burn or scorch mark on it. Darnley had been suffocated and dumped before the explosion.

The explosion

The explosion

A Tudor time CSI style map, giving an 'accurate' account of where the bodies of Darnley and his servant were found in the garden. Quite why they are stark bollock naked with their arses out, and bigger than what appear to be pine trees is as much of a mystery as the incident itself.

A Tudor time CSI style map, giving an ‘accurate’ account of where the bodies of Darnley and his servant were found in the garden. Quite why they are stark bollock naked with their arses out, and bigger than what appear to be pine trees is as much of a mystery as the incident itself.

Now I know what your probably thinking, that it was Mary, BUT there were several suspects. Yes Mary could’ve done it because it was her only chance to move on but it was equally likely to be one of the other noblemen that Darnley had annoyed, a pal of Rizzio’s or even Darnley himself in a failed plan to blow up Mary. One thing was sure: he was dead and Mary’s horrific car crash marriage had come to an end. The arsonist was never caught.

Now the really shitty thing is that this was only the end to one chapter of Marys life. The next chapter began almost instantly after these events, (again follow the link at the bottom of the page to find out more), when mary found herself in the company of one Earl of Bothwell, another known prick and also a suspect in Darnleys murder. She lost favour of her public and was forced to flee, never seeing her son James again. James inherited the throne of Scotland aged 13 months old. Mary Queen of Scots really did have one of the saddest lives that I’ve ever read about, (and the wankest choice in men), still Happy anniversary Mary and Henry Stuart.

Poor Mary

Poor Mary

July 17th 1586- plots, executions, treason and the dick end men in Mary Queen of Scots life.

25th July 1554: Mary married Phill

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So yesterday was the 461th wedding anniversary of Mary Tudor and Phillip II of Spain. The pair married on 25th July 1554 at Winchester Cathederal, I couldn’t write about it yesterday as I was actually dying of a hangover and Phillip of Spain was such a dick that my stomach could not hold my levels of rage without evacuating. 
Anyway, Mary was super into Phillip but he was a bit meh about the whole thing, to him it was pretty much a business deal. However because this was the case there was an act passed prior to the big day which stated that Phillip would rule jointly with his wife and it prevented him from stealing the throne. Ultimately the pair married to restore to England, Wales and Ireland after a few decades of the Protties having ago (much to the sheer dismay of Mary who fucking hated them).

Mary was 37 when she married, had a few failed pregnancies, (including a phantom pregnancy) and bore Phil no kids. They were married for 4 years, in which time they managed to murder about 300 Protestants (still only a small amount compared to how many people Her dad Henry VIII killed)

Phillip wasn’t that into Mary and wasn’t even there when she died. He then took the piss and proposed to Elizabeth Tudor when she inherited the throne after her sister death like a greedy bastard. She told him to cock off and a few years down the line, Phil tried to invade England with his shit armada. She handed his arse to him. Long and short he was an absolute knob face. Still, happy anniversary eh.

look at him with his stupid legs like a chump

July 17th 1586- plots, executions, treason and the dick end men in Mary Queen of Scots life.

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July 17th 1586. The Babington plot and Mary’s final fuck up

Mary Queen of Scots

Mary Queen of Scots

It always seems to be cousins at war when you read about the Tudors, but to be fair they were all a bit incestuous and so had about a million cousins a piece; with that number it’s inevitable that you’re going to annoy a few of them along the way. With so much deceit and scandal that they all hated each other, though I suppose that’s families for you isn’t it?

However for these particular cousins things got really bad, (well second cousins to be precise). Both were Queens in their own right, both well-educated and formidable, both had shady pasts and both wanted the English throne: Welcome to the battle arena Mary Queen of Scott’s and Elizabeth I.

Elizabeth I had been on the English Queen for 27 years. Everything was going sweet. There had been a couple of assassination attempts but nothing major and besides, Liz had the best spy master around, Francis Walsingham. Mary’s social standing is not so easy to explain so we have to go back to the beginning; I will keep it brief because we all have stuff to do.

Mary Stuart was born to James V of Scotland and his wife Mary of Guise (James was Henry VIII nephew, Henry was Elizabeth’s dad, hence second cousins…complicated isn’t it). Anyway Mary’s Dad died when she was 6 days old making her an infant Queen. She was betrothed to a French Prince and sent to French court until she was married. In marrying Mary her husband, Francis II, became king of France and Scotland but kicked the bucket 2 years later. Her mother in law shipped her back to Scotland after this but Mary was catholic and Scotland was protestant, not that she wasn’t unpopular at this point, but it made things a bit tricky for her. Loads of the Scottish public thought that Mary would inherit the English throne, Elizabeth had no kids so it put Mary as close as you can get without being executed.

Elizabeth I

Elizabeth I

Anyway, Mary eventually married her cousin Lord Darnley, who was a complete fucktard. This dick had Mary’s best friend stabbed to death (accusing him of being her lover), he drank and beat her and was just in general a giant twat. Mary had also grown very close the handsome young chap, The Earl of Bothwell. This dude was Mary’s closest advisor and there was much speculation about the pair. They made matters worse for themselves when Lord Darnley was killed in suspicious circumstances, not long after Mary had given birth to hers and Darnley’s son, James. There was an explosion at their house and his body was found outside, though not burned or anything like that but strangled, indicating murder (Full on CSI, Tudor style).

darnley death

Bothwell then abducted and allegedly raped Mary and forced her to marry him a mere 3 months after Darnley’s death, as she was on her return form visiting her infant son, (though it’s always possible that Mary was in on the whole business). By this point Mary and Bothwell were accused of Darnleys murder and the Queen now found herself in the deepest of all shit. Their marriage was ridiculously unpopular. They had been married under Protestant law which pissed off the Catholics no end. The pair were caught and Mary surrendered and abdicated in return for Bothwells safe exile. This prick just fucked off and was never seen again, he died 10 years later in a Danish prison like a massive chump.

Whilst in prison Mary gave birth to his stillborn twins and was branded a whore, adulteress and murder by her people. Shitting herself massively, she managed to escape and head to England seeking the protection of her Cousin, Queen Elizabeth, who wasn’t happy about the whole thing:

Elizabeth was a protestant Queen and Mary was her catholic heir. Having finally got rid of Mary Tudor, the most mentalist of Catholics, Elizabeth didn’t really want another Catholic Queen in the country compromising her throne and was worried about loyal Catholics revolting against her and giving Mary the crown. Nobody was happy and so bringing us up to speed on the background checks.

So back to the events of 1586 and the Babington plot. As I have mentioned there were a couple of plots to murder Elizabeth but all failed. This one however was to be Mary’s undoing. Mary had been imprisoned at Elizabeth leisure for the past 19 years. Her son James was now king of Scotland and had no contact with his mother. Mary had decided that she was going to hatch a plot with King Philip II of Spain: A strict Catholic and previous king of England (he was married to Mary Tudor, Elizabeth’s sister, when she was Queen, then did one back to Spain when Elizabeth inherited the throne and told him to cock off). The plan was to assassinate Liz and put Mary on the throne, thus restoring England back to its Catholic ways. Philip would provide the muscle for this to happen and my guess is at some point try and worm his way back in. He didn’t like Elizabeth: she had refused to marry him after her sister’s death, refused to convert to Catholicism and taken the country back to its new, more liberal protestant ways after her sister and his wife had gone on a killing spree of Protestants. The Spanish armada! That was him. He was a bell end. The messanger of this whole thing was a dude called Anthony Babington.

Mary's second dick of a husband, the earl of Bothwell

Mary’s second dick of a husband, the earl of Bothwell

The plot started with a bloke called Gilbert Gifford who was a well sketchy character. He was British born but became a deacon in France in 1585 after being expelled from college in Rome. When in Rome he became pally with some dude who was involved in the plot to assassinate Elizabeth and agreed to help. After travelling back to England to do this he was caught and arrested by Walsingham and agreed to be a double agent for him. Gifford’s job was to take letters between Mary who was imprisoned (well, living the life of Riley in Stately homes around England and Wales), and her accomplice Anthony Babington. He did this by shoving the letters that the two wrote to each other in beer barrels and taking the correspondence between the pair. The letters were obviously then taken to Babington who had them all decrypted and basically knew everything. Babington has already managed to convince Elizabeth that he was a Protestant and worm his way into court but he was a massive secret Catholic working to overthrow the Queen.

Walsingham had enough evidence on Babington to convict him of treason but he wanted the bigger prize. He wanted Mary dead, buried and in the ground cold (and possibly a bit headless too for good measure). On 17th July 1856, Walsingham had his break. He intercepted a letter from Mary to Babington ordering the Queens execution and highlighting her plan to take the English throne. She has royally fucked herself (forgive the pun).

Babington - the chump

Babington – the chump

Elizabeth I's version or Varys - Francis Walsingham

Elizabeth I’s version or Varys – Francis Walsingham

When Gifford heard about this he shat himself. His job was done and being the bell end he was, it became obvious that he was heading for a stint in the tower, so he did what any man would do and ran off. He was found the following year shagging a man servant and a woman in a brothel in France (remember this was a priest having a threeway) and arrested only to die in prison in 1590. I love Gifford, he was like a bisexual Tudor Russell Brand priest, the dirty shagger.

Walsingham, having the evidence to arrest Babington AND the Queen, now decided he was going for the hat trick and was going to go after the other 6 accomplices who were mentioned in the plot. He wrote a letter to Babington posing as the Queen Mary, asking that she might know the names of the gentlemen sent to set her free. Like a twonk of the highest magnitude he named them and the whole bunch were arrested (only after Babington had fled and been captured).

Babington wrote Elizabeth asking for forgiveness and offering her a shit tonne of cash, but that shit didn’t fly and Liz was having none of it. Suppose he thought it was worth a try though eh. The men involved were all hung drawn and quartered, a really shitty and gruesome way to die. Basically they were strapped to a horse and dragged through the streets, to the gallows, there they were hanged till near death, taken down, had their balls cut off (and often shoved into their mouths), disembowelled and then cut into quarters but kept alive till the very end. I don’t think many people took a picnic to these, even though they were basically treated like a family fun day. FACT

Marys execution

Marys execution

spot the red petticoat

spot the red petticoat? bet you cant see the dog though eh?!

Mary didn’t get off lightly either, as you’d expect really. She was arrested and kept at Fothringhay Castle where she was executed under the order of Queen Elizabeth I, (well this is not strictly true, Elizabeth signed and retracted the death warrant several times, She didn’t really want to kill her cousin, particularly as she was a Queen in her own right but parliament had twisted her arm. She was mega mega mega distressed by the whole thing after and was reported to have regretted it tremendously).

Mary’s execution was one giant fuck up. she was told the night before to be ready for the execution the following day. At the execution Mary was forced to remove her black dress. under it she wore a bright red petticoat which symbolised Martyrdom. I’m not honestly certain if Mary truly believed she was a Catholic martyr or if it was a last ditch attempt at sympathy but one thing I do know is that if you try to kill the Queen you had better not fuck it up, and Mary REALLY fucked it up.

Death mask of Mary Queen of Scotts - scary as balls.

Death mask of Mary Queen of Scotts – scary as balls.

The executioner struck her neck and failed to part it from her body. Mary would’ve been suffocating, bleeding to death and possibly still alive at this point. He then proceeded to strike it twice more before her head fell off, he then picked it up, held it in the air and shouted some shit about God save Elizabeth the rightful Queen. As he did this, her hair came away in his hand and the head fell to the floor. She was bald and wore a wig to hide this fact. Oh the indignity. Then there was a ruffle in her dress: she had only smuggled her bloody dog in her clothes to her execution. Who does that shit? Mary that’s who. Elizabeth was saddened and outraged, and would always live with the regret. History does not record the dogs opinion on the whole situation though.

Mary’s body was taken away and embalmed. Her bloodstained clothes were either washed or burned. Years later her son James VI  had her body moved Westminster Abbey where the true Queens are buried. James went onto then inherit the English throne after Elizabeth’s death so a Stuart found their way to the English crown after all.

A young James I of England and VI of Scotland.

A young James I of England and VI of Scotland.

July 16th 1557 Anne of Cleeves’ death (and life after Henry)

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Recent x-rays have revealed a longer nose under the top layer of paint. Now at St. John's College Oxford

Anne of Cleeves

I know I’ve wrote about Anne of Cleeves before but today is the 458th anniversary of her death. She died on 16th July 1557 (possibly of cancer), aged 41. She outlived Henry VIII and all of the other wives, and went on to live a fantastic, luxurious lifestyle as the ultimate single lady upon the finalisation of her divorce.

Anne of Cleeves had been suggested as a wife to Henry by Thomas Cromwell and pals (He was Henry’s fave lawyer and well renowned for getting him out of the shit with Anne Boleyn amongst other things). Henry didn’t really like her and was a complete knob to her. To cut the story down, it basically went like this:  when they first met he dressed as a tramp and ‘surprised’ her at court and them took offense when she looked disgusted, he then couldn’t get a stiffy on their wedding night and so this somehow became her fault and she was labelled ‘a flanders Mare’ for all the court to take the piss out of. Not only that but Henry has his eye on Katherine Howard, her young 17 year old Lady in waiting, so he wanted rid of his new wife ASAP. Their marriage only lasted 7 months and Anne only survived because she went without fuss. Henry paid Anne a boat load of cash and gave her a shit load of houses and awarded her with the title of ‘Kings sister’ making her the most powerful and well respected woman in the country aside from the queen and princesses (who had both been declared bastards by this point). Anne embraced this new found sense of freedom knowing she had a lucky escape. She started signing letters ‘Daughter of Cleeves’ and not ‘The Queen’ and did everything she was told by the King. It must have been terrifying for Anne to come so close to pissing Henry off.

After their divorce Anne was paid a massive annuity, more than likely to keep her quiet. She lived well and was always welcome back to court. During his marriage to Katherine of Howard, Henry invited Anne to court; this must’ve given him some sort of sick kick surely? Anne went and it was all lovely. This went on for some time, even after Katherine Howard’s death and long into his last marriage to Katherine Parr. Henry would visit her frequently and the two would have all kinds of fun. By now Anne had become slightly more British, by this I mean she had let her strict piousness lax a little and now enjoyed a gamble and a booze up (welcome to England eh). She was minted. She loved her servants and was a fab boss, and they loved her. The whole of this period she remained close to the kings daughters (princesses) Elizabeth and particularly Mary who was only a year younger than herself. She even bought a pet parrot. Things were good.

mor_mary_tudor_1554_prado

Mary Tudor: Anne’s step daughter and BFF

Upon henrys death, his son Edward took over the throne as a mere young wipper snapper at the age of 9. Now Anne was no longer the Kings sister (now she was his aunt), so her importance, and with it her annuity, dropped and Anne quickly found herself in debt. Edward had also suggested that Anne should marry his Uncle Thomas Seymour, but she wasn’t keen and Tom was already secretly plotting to marry Katherine Parr, Henrys 6th wife and Edwards step mum…nice and incestuous like.  The King was fairly good to her though, but it didn’t matter anyway because in 1553 he died.

Upon his death there was the whole business with Lady Jane Grey inheriting the throne and being kicked off by Mary I. Anne loved this. Mary had been her step daughter and more importantly her Bessie. Anne found herself back in royal favour. She even ditched her strict protestant faith in favour for ‘the old religion’ of Catholicism, as Mary had requested. Anne took centrepiece next to the new Queen and her sister Elizabeth at Mary’s coronation to show the world how ace she was.

Upon her death, Mary ordered that she would have a grand funeral ‘fit for her status’. She was carried on a massive hearse through London to Westminster Abbey. She lay in state for just over two weeks and was draped in the finest funeral attire. Her funeral was conducted under Catholic rites, as Anne had wanted, (though let’s be honest this was possibly an action devised to keep Mary on side…nobody wanted to piss that bitch off!). She was the only one of henrys wives to be honoured with a burial at the Abby.

Anne is by far the luckiest of henrys wives. She not only profited from him, but survived him, outlived him and prospered from him. Getting that divorce was the best thing she ever did.