Month: January 2016

January 16th 1549: Tom and the Spaniel

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In 16th January 1549, Thomas Seymour tried to break into Edward VI bedroom and kidnap him. Edward was Henry VIII’s young son who became king after his Dad’s death. He wasn’t old enough to rule so was kept in the care of his uncle Edward (his mum, Jane Seymour’s brother), and Edwards evil bitch faced wife Anne.
Thomas was Edward and Janes younger brother and was jealous to shit that his brother was Lord Protector of the king, which basically meant he ran the country till the king was if age. Not only that but Thomas had married Queen Katherine Parr when Henry VIII had died, (the two had been lovers prior to her marriage to Henry). When Edward Seymour rose to power he stole all of Katherine’s jewels for his dickend wife and refused to return them.
Thomas had had enough. Katherine had not long since died and his brother was a giant wanker. He decided to take matters into his own hands. He broke into the young kings apartments with the intention of abducting him to convince him that he should be Lord Protector and that his brother was a dick. What he didn’t bank on was the young King Ed had a loyal pet Spaniel.
The Spaniel leap up barking much to Tom’s surprise. What did he do? Only fucking shot it. Now I am by no means a consultant when it comes to winning people over and manipulation, but I’m pretty certain shooting a kids dog is not the way to go about these matters.
Obviously Thomas was arrested and eventually executed on no less than 33 accounts of treason, (he had done all kinds of other shit including molest a young Princess Elizabeth). He left his new born daughter orphaned and his brother and sister-in-law thrilled to shit, (needless to say Edward Seymour was also executed a little later for treason like a bell end).

 

Thomas Seymour: spaniel killer

 

15th January 1559: Gloriana begins

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Elizabeth (before the pox)

On this day in 1559, a 25 year old Elizabeth Tudor was crowned Queen Elizabeth 1 of England and Ireland. Her coronation date had been hand picked by some superstitious old bloke called John Dee. He had done his star gazing Mumbo jumbo and concluded January 15th would be the best day to hold the coronation (he got paid a shit load to give a date… it’s not like if the queen had a short reign she would be around to punish him. Nice work if you can get it eh).
Her coronation came after the death of her fucking mental sister, the Catholic queen (bloody) Mary.
Elizabeth’s ceremony saw her have a short stay in tower as customary, (it is a palace after all), followed by a street procession, then off to Westminster for a ceremony and a slap up feast to finish. Sounds like a mini holiday.
She was dressed head to toe in gold cloth (literally cloth sewn with gold), and her coronation mass was conducted in both English and Latin, (important because previously the Catholics hadn’t wanted the common folk to understand anything they were being told at church other than ‘disobey the church and ye shall be royally fucked’).

Elizabeth, being a Protestant, was thrilled to shit to finally be getting the country back to its ‘proper’ faith after her catholic sister he stormed in and fucking ruined it prior to her death, setting fire to anyone who had an English bible and refused to believe they had been chomping down on Jesus flesh every Sunday at mass.
One bloke though, the Catholic Bishop of Carlisle Owen Oglethorpe, wasn’t having it. He had been appointed by Mary as Bishop in order to restore the country to its Catholic faith and was the only bishop willing to officiate Elizabeth’s coronation. He decided he would totally take the piss and try to ‘elevate the host’, (part of the Eucharist in Catholicism), which Elizabeth had explicitly told him not to do. Imagine.
She went mental and diva stropped out of her own coronation, then had the Bishop relieved of his duties pronto, (but not his head you will be saddened to hear). The whole coronation cost around £17000, (roughly a cool £4m in today’s money and that’s not including the feast which Tudors went completely over the top with).
Happy anniversary Elizabeth

11th January 1569: the First National Lottery (With a Difference)

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On this day in 1569 the first lottery ticket went on sale in England. Elizabeth I, being the business-headed woman she was, wanted to invest more money in the country’s ships, ports and harbours. Why not? It would make England better able to trade, better equipped for war and generally more badass than ever before. The problem was that development wasn’t cheap.

In 1566, Elizabeth hatched an ingenious plan to improve the shipping industry (and various other developments), whilst managing not to piss off her subjects by raising taxes…never a popular idea. She would host ticket sales to nobles for their chance to win stuff which matched the value of the revenue it generated. She would then draw the tickets in a couple of years time, therefore securing herself an interest-free loan for 3 years. Thus the lottery was born.

The tickets were available for ten shilling, which sounds like nothing but was actually a shit tonne of cash in the Elizabethan era,( to keep things in good spirits, she let libraries enter for free). The tickets were so expensive to ensure that the rich would enter, generating a boat load of money for the state, a shit load of excitement for the folk who had been lucky enough to enter and probably a few years of resentment to those who couldn’t afford it.
Anyone who was anyone simply had to have a ticket, meaning the prizes had to be something spectacular in order to make the mere 400,000 entry vacancies appeal to the rich and successful – and spectacular they were.

The prizes ranged from luxury goods such as silver plates, tapestries and cloth, to artefacts belonging to the queen. The first prize was £5000 (which would be equivalent to a few millionish in today’s cash), with subsequent prizes being cash values of descending order. BUT one prize was by far the most attractive: a one week ‘get out of jail free card’. You could commit just about any crime and swan off lording over your victim knowing they could do fuck all about it – well anything except piracy, murder and treason that is.

For the poorer section of the Elizabethan middle class, there were syndicates. People would buy tickets and then sell shares on to the giddy and gullible that were willing to be fleeced for a share of the fun.

The prizes were announced on scrolls sent out up and down the country. The public went wild for it. The tickets were all sold by May 1st, 1568 and on January 11th, 1569 the tickets were drawn in the steps of St.Paul’s cathedral.The crowds were enormous and the excitement was high. The lottery was so successful that subsequent lotteries were held, however they soon fizzled away as people decided to keep their cash.

 

the lottery prizes as advertised in scrolls

There is a lesson in this somewhere for Camelot, (the UK Lottery operator), but I’m not sure I know what it is.

January 1st, 1515: the death of Louis XII and a lucky escape for Mary.

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Louis XII

 

New Year’s Day in 1515, King Louis XII of France died, much to the elation of Mary Tudor (Henry VIII’s sister). Henry had sent his little sister to marry the fat old king, obviously she was less than impressed about this, and asked that once he died she would be free to choose her next match. Anyway, upon Louis death Henry sent Charles Brandon (his best pal), to bring Mary home but the pair snook off and tied the knot. You can read about it here:

13th May 1515 – How to piss off your brother, the King.

Louis himself had an interesting life. He had been forced to marry a woman called Joan of France by King Louis XI. Louis had no interest in Joan, their marriage was purely political.

 

poor Joan of France

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He became king purely by accident. His cousin, King Charles VIII (who had inherited the throne upon his dad, Louis XI’s, death), died after twatting his head on a doorframe like a bell end.  As Charles had no immediate heirs, Louis inherited the throne. The first thing he did was annul his marriage to Joan. He claimed it was because Joan was so deformed that he couldn’t shag her,  (Joan had a curvature of the spine and was probably mortified at her husband spreading shit about her around court and using it to mask his own inadequacy. Besides which, Louis constantly bragged about ‘mounting’ his wife several times in the night).  Joan left and became a nun (probably traumatised by the rejection and humiliation), and Louis married Charles’ widow, Anne of Brittany…as you do.

The very beautiful (and very reluctant) Anne of Brittany

Louis and Anne’s marriage produced 4 stillborn boys and 2 daughters. After Anne’s death in January 1514. By October 1514, he had married Mary Tudor in a last ditch attempt to produce a male heir. It didn’t work though because legend has it that Louis went to town shagging his new beautiful young bride, so much so that all the excitement killed him. Their marriage lasted 3 months. What an amazing start to the new year for Mary. She was forced to stay in France for a few months after Louis death incase she was carrying the future King of France. She wasn’t and the crown passed to Louis’ cousin and son-in-law King Francis I, (who later went in the wrestle the shit out of Henry VIII and totally hand his arse to him).

 

Mary Tudor: shagged a man to death