Tudor fact if the day: 506 years ago today, in 1509, Henry V11 was laid to rest with his wife Elizabeth of York. There is loads that an be said about Henry. He was the first Tudor monarch, rising to power after killing the unholy crap out of Rochard III. He brought peace back to the country (which before had been in a massive shit storm), and was dad to the infamous Henry VIII. Anyway, because of the current political state of the country, I thought it would be interesting to tell you about this move that Henry pulled in order to restore financial balance to a country in debt. Henry had no experience of court life or ruling. He spent most of his life in exile and had little political know how, yet was pure amazing at managing finance. Along side the Archbishop of Canterbury, John Morton, they developed one of the most effective taxation systems to date (in terms of the debt repaid, money banked for the country and length of economic stability). Henry and Morton recovered debt by heavily taxing the wealthy with a catch 22 rule (this is where we get the term ‘Mortons Fork’, for when 2 contradictory scenarios end in the same result). Henry’s tax law went like this: if you are from a wealthy family and do not spend money, then you obviously have a shit load of savings, so will face large taxation to aid the realm. If however you are from a wealthy family and spend lots of money then you are obviously filthy rich and will face large taxation to aid the realm. If you were poor you would pay significantly less tax. This law also helped Henry keep nobles in check and created much needed economic prosperity for the first time in a long time. Obviously not a Tory then eh?!

 Henry’s tomb with his wife Elizabeth of York in Westminster Abbey, (he was so cool he has his own chapel in there)

Tudor fact if the day: 479 years ago today, in 1536 the queen Anne Boleyn was arrested and taken to the tower with the charge if treason. Henry VIII had grown bored of Anne and wanted rid so he could knob the young courtier Jane Seymore. The problem was that he didn’t want to divorce Anne, (given the massive shit storm he caused a few years earlier when he divorced his first wife Katherine so that he could bed Anne, divorce would make him appear to be ‘careless with the holy act of matrimony’ and just a bit shit as King). Also, and probably more importantly politically, a divorce would do mean that Anne would secure a fortune and some very powerful and very sympathetic allies.

This all presented a problem so Henry being the douche bag he was just let his BFF, the lawyer Tom Cromwell sort out his mess. Cromwell’s solution was to compile evidence against the queen that would suggest she was treasonous. Anne was quite vain and flirty so the solution was clear- accuse her of adultery. Anne had been seen flirting with a court musician (called Mark Smeaton) and a dude called Henry Norris. They were arrested and Mark Smeaton was tortured until he confessed that he had been shagging the queen, (To be fair in those days you probably confess anything under torture cos it must’ve made death look like a day at the spa).

Both men were eventually executed along with George Boleyn, Anne’s brother. He was also supposed to have ‘Carnal knowledge’ of his sister (which is obviously a massive pile of horse crap but he was too important and influential to keep alive if the king wanted rid of Anne).

The day after Anne’s execution the king announced his engagement to Jane Seymore. What a prick.

Anne being taken through the ‘Traitors Gate’ to the tower

28th April (Sort of but not really) Tudor fact of the day: 573 years ago today in 1442 Edward IV was born. Not a Tudor himself, but the Grandfather of Henry VIII, he is defo worth a mention, (plus he is possibly my fave king so there was no way he wasn’t going to be crow barred in).

Edward was boss for numerous reasons, my favourite being this: He married Elizabeth Woodville for love at the cost of his arranged engagement to a French royal. Elizabeth herself was the ultimate badass. She was a’commoner’, (in the sense that she want a royal, nor at court, she had been married to a knight and known money but since becoming widowed times were hard), who made it to queen and royally pissed off a boat load of people. Edward fought several times in the war of the roses for house York and kicked arse.

He was done over at one point and lost the crown, (I mean to another king not under the bed kind if lost it). Liz and Ed’s marriage was a pure love story (though he did shag about with a selection of mistresses…all kings did, it was all OK back then, he always maintained his one true love was Elizabeth). They had 10 kids together, (Elizabeth also had 2 older boys from her first marriage, she was the ultimate baby making machine), including the 2 princes in the tower and Elizabeth of York (Henry VIII’s ma ).

Edward was big bro to king Richard III (king of the car park), who was an utter prick to Elizabeth when Ed died. Being a total family man (executing his brother aside), a proper hardcore scrapper and reportedly hot as shit makes him my fave king.

not particularly ‘hot as shit’ in this pic, but he didn’t have pox scars or boils, so we can’t have it all.

Tudor fact of the day: 506 years ago today, in 1509, Henry VII died. He was Dad of HenryVIII and first of the Tudor Dynasty. Henry was born into a posh Welsh family with distant ancestory to the royals (though through a royal mistress which only seems to count if you’re the king).

Having spent much of his life beefing with the Yorkists, he spent ages in exile in France (probably shitting his pants because he was basically a walking dead man walking). His mum however campaigned to put him on the throne as an alternative to Richard III. She must have had balls of steel because she was married to a member of the House of York and was basically treasoning it right up. Richard III had been ‘minding’ the throne as ‘Protector of the Realm’ until his nephew came of age ( one of the princes ion the tower, remember them?! they were put there as it was a palace at the time and they were to be kept safe until the eldest could take the throne but that went tits up).

Anyway, back to Henry. He basically rallied troops and came home to beat the living shit out of Richard at the battle of Bosworth, (who by this time was actual King as his nephews had been murdered in dodgy circumstances) . He then ‘won the throne by battle’, the first British monarch to do so. Because the Yorkists were utterly pissed off by all of this AND still had claim to the throne, he played a blinder and married Elizabeth of york, who had a massive claim to the throne, therefore cementing his claim.

Though you would think this would be the most unhappy household ever, the two became great lovers. They were both smoking hot (by Tudor standards), happy and successful. Their marriage was the birth of the Tudor Rose, shoving the red rose of House Lancaster onto the white rose of House York.

He died leaving the throne to his second son Henry VIII and was buried with his wife in Westminster Abbey.

Tudor fact the day: 482 years ago today in 1534, Elizabeth Barton ‘the nun of Kent’ was hanged at Tyburn. Elizabeth claimed to have witnessed divine interventions and be one of Gods BFF’s. She met and advised the king twice was chummy with Cardinal Wolsey (2nd most powerful man in the country and mates with the pope), and highly regarded. All was well and Good until 1532 when she made a prophesy suggesting that if Henry divorced his first wife, Katherine in favour of knobbing that pesky tart Anne Boylen, he would be questioning Gods power. If he ditched Catholicism in favour if a woman and made himself head of the church if England, he would effectively be putting himself above God.

Elizabeth said that if Henry did marry Anne, he would die shortly after and suffer a terrible curse throughout his remaining days. She even had the balls to say this to his face. Obvs she was executed and her head shoved on a spike on London Bridge (the first woman up there so Im told).

To be fair Elizabeth got off lightly. Her sidekick priests were condemned to a traitors death which goes like this: Hung till half dead, their cocks were chipped off and shoved in their mouths, then their stomach and intestines were ripped out and boiled, (dont forget they were still alive and made to watch), then their heart was ripped out and their heads spiked and put in London Bridge. I

n a way Elizabeth was probably right about the King being cursed. He lived 15 years after his marriage to Anne but this ended after 2 years. He also suffered numerous failed pregnancies and still born heirs, only 3 legitimate kids from 6 marriages, he long sough after male heir died at 15, and ulcerated legs all his life which had to be lanced and never healed. Maybe he was cursed.

I found this pic of Elizabeth. Not sure why she looks like she belongs in a knocking shop but hey ho.

Tudor fact of the day: 461 years ago today in 1554 a cat dressed a a priest delivering mass was found hanged from the gallows in Cheapside, London. It was done by Protestant rebels and portrayed their reluctance to convert back to Catholicism after the reigns of King Henry VIII and King Edward VI (oh and Jane Grey but we wont count her for now).

It was done to piss of the new(ish), catholic Queen Mary (Bloody Mary to you and me, named so because of her fondness of murdering Protestants in the worst ways she could dream up). Anyway it worked. She was royally pissed off and offered a massive reward for anyone who handed over the person who did it, ( I’m guessing it would’ve carried the treason sentence so the perpetrator would’ve faced one of Mary’s fave methods of protty killing, which to be fair would’ve probably been burning alive at the steak. She liked that one).

Anyway, nobody came forward (surprise, surprise), so the at hanger remained a mystery, (I did find an amazing picture of it though. Enjoy)

Tudor fact of the day: 477 years ago today Elizabeth Boleyn died. She was Anne Boleyns mum and courtier. Some people think that there is evidence shewas once one of Henry VIII’s mistresses, (which leads to the theory that Henry could’ve in fact been Anne’s biological father but let’s face it, that’s just sheer vom, plus if this was the case I think Henry would’ve been weary of shagging her, even as a man whore he wasn’t stupid).

Anyway, Anne hijacks everything. This is about her Ma. Elizabeth saw 2 of her children beheaded, (with no thanks to her husband and her brother who did shit all to help them) and her other child, Mary, become ‘The English Mare’ and ‘a great whore,infamous above all’. I think Elizabeth was one of the most unlucky mothers of Tudor time…And she was married to a knob. Poor Elizabeth

So after much debating and playing with ideas, here it is…The Tudorials!

We all know history was boring at school. The good bits got missed out, the gory bits got jumped over, the badasses got portrayed as ‘scoundrels’, and the ‘yes but why did that happen in the first place’ question your teachers could never answer got set as homework. In short, history was sold to us as a boring, fragmented subject that nobody actually gave a shit about. Well, The Tudorials is going to set that straight and tell the history of the Tudors and Plantagenet’s exactly as it was.

I have always loved the Tudors and Plantagenet’s since a child. Whist everyone else made their Barbie look for Ken, mine was having her head pulled off and thrown in the fishpond for high treason. I think its the dark side of these time periods that interests me; the scandals, morally questionable monarchs and sheer ultra cool mother fuckers that gave not one toss about anything that didn’t benefit them.

Anyway, there will be stories of sex, scandal, scrapping and savoury behaviour. This I promise. I intend to post things on the anniversary of the date they happened but not necessarily in chronological order (for example somebody who dies in one story may be alive the following day in another).  I just hope you like it and I don’t cock it up too badly.